Villains Bistro & Cafe

Restaurants since like 2020 have been so stressful and stroke inducing, I taught myself how to cook. Well, that and the one time a person made me half cooked potstickers… You gotta learn to survive when your other options are, ya know, horrible. This extends way past partners that can’t work a stove. It applies to the horrible restaurants you’re currently on a 4 week waitlist for, too.

Have you walked into a food monger and thought, “OH GOD, OH GOD, NO, WHY OH GOD?” Me too. If I get assaulted by another grass wall or piece of reproduced pop art, I am going to commit a federal offense. WHY DOES YOUR RESTAURNANT NEED SO MUCH CELOPHANE????? Microplastics doing numbers on Insta right now? I went into a joint the other day and immediately got eye banged by an army of faux gold cherubs hanging from the ceiling. What did that have to do with your over priced, Guy Fieri inspired “Chinese” food, ***** *********.

(DuumsDayCooking Legal Team: Redacted so we don’t get fuckin sued).

On top of being offensive to look at, they cost an arm and a leg? Back in my day, I could feed my family with $5 and a booty clap. Now I’m expected to pay $174.98 because a brotha wanted to do something nice. Get bent, nerd. This started waaaaaaay before our economy decided to start its Hoe Summer early. The moment you motherfuckers let hipsters and corporations call sandwiches “Handhelds” we were doomed. I’m disappointed in you to a point only drinking again can fix. Grow up.

Just so I don’t look like such a miserable bastard, here are some restaurants in my city (Tampa, FL) that are actually worth going to and some suggestions. This blog is officially too local.

Quick side-note, check the price of any place before you go. I know most of ya’ll, like myself, are anxious and broke.

• Grandma’s Tacos
  • Birria
  • Nachos (Any meat honestly)
• Olivia’s (Brunch)
  • Mini Rigatoni
  • Arancini
• Chocolate Pi
  • Rotating menu for pies and cakes, but they’re all wonderful and the nice lady that runs the place is good on variety
  • Black and White Macron
• Sushi House (Ybor)
  • Cleopatra Roll
  • Volcano Roll
  • They offer very limited Sushi Bar seating.

I’m just an unhappy person with a food blog, so enjoy whatever you want and don’t mind me. If I’m not being mean here, I’m bullying dumbasses in TikTok. I’m the problem.