Villains Bistro & Cafe

If you can’t figure out how to season your food, go to the stupid corner and don’t look at me. You can have the technical parts down, but I won’t give a rat’s ass if your food tastes like 10oz of bounce-dat-ass. I feel like I told you people to we’d get here eventually. I don’t remember exactly when. In my defense, I’m ripped like white girl jeans when I write these things.

You can make a majority of spice blends at home with the crap you already own. Not only is this the economic option, but you get to be snobby and tell people you make your own blends. Asshole. Alright, let’s boogie.

BBQ

• 1/4c Tbsp brown sugar
• 1/2 Tbsp Kosher salt
• 1/2 Tbsp garlic powder
• 1/2 Tbsp onion powder
• 1/2 Tbsp mustard powder
• 1/2 Tbsp red pepper flakes or chili powder (optional)

This particular rub is a bit on the sweeter side. If that isn’t your jam, just use even less brown sugar. You want to keep a tad in the tank to create a deep contrast of flavor in your food. This is a great everyday use mix. You can use it to bump up your meal prep or as a base for a BBQ sauce. We’ll get to that.

“Steak” Seasoning

• 1 Tbsp kosher salt
• 1 Tbsp black pepper
• 1 Tbsp Onion Powder
• 1 Tbsp dried rosemary
• 1 Tbsp dried thyme
• 1 Tbsp Paprika
• 1/2 red pepper flakes or cayenne (optional)

I can not stress enough how useful this mix is. It has so many pleasant applications. You can use it on virtually any meat, soup/stew, or casserole with a few simple modifications. For instance, adding celery flakes and sage turns it into a wonderful roasting spice for chicken. Make it. Keep it. Use it.

Taco Seasoning

• 1/2 Tbsp chili powder
• 1/2 Tbsp cumin
• 1/2 Tbsp onion powder
• 1/2 Tbsp garlic powder
• 1/2 Tbsp black pepper
• 1/2 Tbsp smoked paprika
• 1/2 Tbsp salt

I prefer nachos, but… go off, sis. You can add a little flare with Goya all-purpose & Sazon.

Italian Seasoning

• 1 Tbsp dried basil
• 1 Tbsp dried rosemary
• 1 Tbsp marjoram*
• 1 Tbsp dried parsley
• 1 Tbsp red pepper flakes (optional)

Italian food is the superior race of foods (argue with ya wife’s boyfriend) and its best done homemade. This is where you start. Play with it a little and see what you like. I’ve used this for every Italian meal I’ve made in the last four centuries. Thanks, Theodosius II** son of Arcadius.

* Cold sensitive herb with a subtle sweetness and a peppery aftertaste

** Roman emperor 402-450 AD

I’m wanted in 34 of the current Unites States and 3 that don’t exist anymore.