How to Lose a Steak in 10 Days

I may have started a tiny grease fire the first time I cooked a steak. The firefighter told me I should stop cooking. Which one of us talks about food on the internet now, jackass? #AFFAB.

Doneness

Steaks are much easier to perfect than one would think. The key is patience and timing. Let’s take out our meat together, and rap timing, and how to know when your steak is as warm and succulent as you’d like it. Typing that last bit gave me the vapors.

*Start all your steaks over medium heat. Well done is different, I’ll explain later*

Rare: 120-125°, 2 mins per side,
Medium: 130-135°, 3-4 mins per side
Medium well: 140-145°, 4-6 mins per side
Medium: 150-155°, 4.5-6.5 mins per side
Well done: 160-165°
- Step 1: 2-4 mins per side at medium-high heat
- Step 2: 6 mins per side at medium heat
Blue: Why are you even here? You’re an actual animal.

Get out of my black face with your great-great-great grandaddy’s ol’ hand trick. You ain’t gotta do all that. He did it because the latest tech for him was the “Band-aid” (1920), and the Great Depression screwed up his taste buds.

Just buy a meat thermometer and follow the guide above. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE shop local if you can. Like yeah fuck Jeff Bezos, I get it. More importantly, small businesses are dropping like flies in this country. The people who run these specialty grocery stores and kitchen supply shops love food as much as we do. Help them out.

Searing

Imma be honest with you, sports fans, getting a good sear on your steak is pretty simple. The first step is to use something like cast iron or stainless steel. You need equipment that gets real hot real fast, but can adjust well when you need to turn the heat up or down. You’ll also need a good neutral oil. I always suggest vegetable or canola. They have high smoke points (the temp at which an oil start to smoke or “burn”) and are super easy to find.

Before you even think about touching that steak, put your pan on heat and let it rock for 30 seconds. You can then add your oil and wait another 30. What we’re doing here is making sure every part of our pan and all the oil is at peak hot. This is the secret to both a good sear and an even cook throughout a steak.

Preparation

There are a few way to skin a steak, but I’m only going to go over two. Mainly because I only use two. You get what you get don’t have a fit.

Basting: Basting is a fun and fancy way to burn yourself a bunch if you’re not careful. Once you get a sear on the first side, throw in a knob of butter, one sprig each of thyme & Rosemary, and as much garlic as your little heart can desires. From there push your steak to the far end of the pan. Tip it back gently so there’s a small pool of butter in front of you. You’ll want to keep it hovering slightly above the stove eye. Take a spoon and repeatedly pour the butter over the steak until it reaches your preferred doneness.

Hot Ass Oven Method (HAOH): This is the easiest method and really just requires you to get a sear on one side and put it in the oven. The magic is that your oven has to be hotter than the Devil’s ass. This roughly translates to 500° or the “Broil” setting. This is how those fancy, kinda racist steak houses in Chicago do it. I’m looking at you, Rith Chrus. Be careful. When you’re screwing around with heat like that, you can go from done to inedible FAST.

Accoutrements

Alright, kiddos. Daddy’s Adderall is starting to wear off, so let’s wrap this up. Look at this lazy list of sides you can use to wow your next bad Hinge date. No, seriously, you’re going to catch something. Get a hobby.

Mashed sweet potato (add things like dark brown sugar and Nutmeg for a really comfy Fall flavor)
Enter literally any roasted vegetable here
Salad (Caesar or wedge would be the most appropriate)
Creamed spinach
Potatoes au gratin
Mac and cheese

God can’t cook like this. Tell them I said it.

Steak is simple. I love the simplicity of life. At some point in our eldritch evolution, we lost it. You think we crawled out of the forest on our asses and knuckles to work a 9-5? Fuck no. Find the simple things in your life and love them as hard as you can, friend. Thinking about everything, everywhere, all at once is a long walk off a short pier. Don’t miss moments that are right in front of you. My Mammy and Papa gave me shite eyeballs, so I can’t see shit in front of me.

Stay Evil