Seasoning for Dummies & the Mentally Ill *This one’s a lot use ctrl+F to search*

Let’s forget my horrible decision-making skills and emotional immaturity for a sec. I turned off the Boy Genius and the Modern Baseball to bring you actually useful information. Don’t worry, I’ll start whining again eventually.

Big Daddy Duum is a well cultured villain I’ll have you know. I’m also the living embodiment of a trash can outside the Indianapolis Union train station (girls who get it, get it). I am the true dichotomy of man. Well seasoned food from a gas station will always taste better than some $200 per course, Michelin star bullshit that tastes like the essence of the Alps or whatever. I’ve been to three Michelin star restaurants, and they were all absolute nonsense. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU NEED TO SMOKE MY SHRIMP WITH OAK AND BERGEMONT?? If I wanted that I’d deepthroat a bottle of essential oil. Give me my food, dork.

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We’ll start with a quick list of seasonings you can use whenever. Whether you live in a one bedroom in Madison or a 12 room house on the ass end of Cape Elizabeth (I hate you), you should have these on hand.

Salt
Pepper
Garlic Powder
Onion Powder
Red Pepper Flakes
Mustard Powder
Paprika (Normal Paprika will work fine, but if you want to get fancy smoked is cool too.)
Chili Powder
Dried Herbs (Thyme, Rosemary, Basil, etc.)
Cinnamon
Nutmeg
White & Light Brown Sugar (It can help with highly acidic foods and balance out a dish that’s too spicy)

It’s a good idea to have certain seasoning mixes until you feel comfortable putting your own together. Don’t fret, child, we’ll get to that another day. I’d recommend having a good steak, Cajun, and BBQ seasoning at all times. An all-purpose seasoning like Goya or Old Bay (ew) wouldn’t kill you either.

I will say this until I am cold in the ground; taste every mix you buy before you use it. A lot of them are too salty or too hot or too sweet. It’s kinda trial and error until you find a mix/brand that works for you. You don’t need a spoonful of it either. Pour a little on your hand and give it a lick. I know some of you don’t wash your hands… do that first. One more thing, don’t waste your money on “premium” spices/mixes. Would they add an edge to your food? Yes. Are they worth the price for what you’re using it for? Probably not.

Come sit under the learnin’ tree. We’re gonna to take the Magic DUUM Bus to Umami Town, and we ain’t takin that nerd with the glasses. Umami is a Japanese word that translates roughly to “delicious” or “savory” depending on context. No one knows exactly what it is, but it’s engaged heavily by things like stock or concentrated meat flavorings (bouillon).

For our needs, we’ll call it one of the five basic tastes. Umami is the sister of salty, sweet, bitter, and sour. Ideally, you want to engage as many of these tastes as you can. This only happens when you can create layers to your food with spices you use. Just because it’s weird doesn’t mean it’s hard to do.

Here are some easy ways to get Umami that you probably already have in your hovel.

Mushrooms (shiitake in particular)
Tomatoes
Worcestershire Sauce
soy sauce
Anchovies
Nori (Seaweed)
Miso (You definitely have an Asian food mart near you. Stop looking up your ex on Instagram and Bing it.)
Aged cheese

Christ on a cracker. That was a lot, wasn’t it? This is what makes cooking an art like any other. Painters have paint. Theatre nerds have scripts. Authors have words. Poets have rhyme. Cooks have seasoning. It is how we express ourselves in cooking. If you’ve ever cooked something, you’re a cook. You need patience and grace when you’re learning something. Give yourself the time you need to create. Any whozzle, back to The Realm of Unending Pain & Torment until you people need my genius again.

Goodbye. Goodbye now. I have to go. Goodbye now. Goodbye.

Stay Evil