Villains Bistro & Cafe

There Was A Hole Here Once. It’s Gone Now.

Ingredients *This can be a vegetarian deal just take out the meat and meat-adjacent parts*

• 1lb of Bone-in Beef Shank (room temp and chunked)
• 28oz can of crushed tomatoes (I prefer Cento )
• 1/2c Passata Di Pomodoro (Italian Strained Tomatoes)
• 1 Tbsp Tomato Paste
• 1-1.5c beef or vegetable broth
• 1c dry (not sweet) red wine (Chianti is cheap and easy to find)
• 1 large Red Pepper
• 2 large Carrots
• 1 large White Onion (dice)
• 1/3c Heavy Whipping Cream (room temp)
• 1 Tbsp Butter (cold)
• 1/2c Parmesan (grated)
• 1/2 Tbsp Chili Powder
• 1 Tbsp Garlic paste
• 1 Tbsp Kosher Salt
• 1/2 Tbsp White Sugar
• 1 Tbsp Black Pepper
• 1/2 Tbsp crushed red pepper
• 1/2 Tbsp Rosemary (dried & ground)
• 1/2 Tbsp Thyme (dried & ground)
• 1/2 Tbsp Basil (dried and ground)
• 3 Tbsp olive oil

That’s a long ass ingredient list, ain’t it? I swear it’s way easier than it looks or my name isn’t… I don’t remember my real name. Fuck. Preheat your oven to 400°. On a clean cutting board core and quarter the Red Pepper, drizzling olive oil evenly on each section. Place that on a baking tray. Go ahead and dice your onion while the oven does that thing it does.

Since we’re talking about cutting boards, please use wood ones. The plastic boards and those dumbass mats are breeding grounds for bacteria. Also, when you cut on them, they put microplastics in your food. Like more than Big Plastic already has. Do you want to be a coke bottle, hmm?

When your oven hits temp, chuck in your peppers. You want them in there for roughly 10-12 minutes. Everyone’s oven is different. I’d recommend an in-oven thermometer. That way, you can get a clearer reading on your oven’s heat distribution. I can’t find a link for one that doesn’t lead into the maw of the daemon that is American Capitalism *dramatic piano chord and thunder*. So just google your local kitchen supply store, preferably a mom and pop, and grab one from them.

Once they’re done, let those babies cool, then peel off the skin. Dice the quarters and set them aside with your onion. Grab your room temp beef shank, salt & pepper both sides liberally, and let them sit on a WOODEN cutting board. In a large stock pot or dutch oven, heat up your 3 Tbsp of olive oil. Brown your beef shank over medium heat. Remember, you don’t want them cooked. You just need some cruuuust on ’em, baby. Pull your meat out and set it aside. In the same pot, add your onion and sweat them until they’re translucent. When you think they’re almost there, add the pepper. Squeeze in your tomato paste and reintroduce your meat. From here, you can add your liquids and seasonings in whatever order you’d like. Put the carrots in the last 30 mins or so. Let everything simmer for about 1-2 hours or until you can break apart your protein with a spoon. If you’re going with the vegetarian option, just simmer and stop reading, you’re good… you god damn commie.

Once everything is melded and your meat is soft again, put your pot somewhere not hot. Now for the fun part. You’re gonna want to break up that sweet, tender meat so it’s easier to eat. Jesus Christ, I’m losing it. You can really do this however you want. I’m a cave man with daddy issues, so I just beat the devil out of it with a potato masher. You can Swanton Bomb that shit off a ladder if you want to. I truly do not care.

Allow the sauce to cool. When that happens, add your dairy and drink that shit out of a mug. It’s delicious.

I had some “inspirational”, fake deep, pop punk paragraph here. I have a more important message for you peasants today. It’s ok to outgrow things. This includes people. Who we are and who we are going to be are unimaginably different. Don’t let your old thoughts and values keep you from changing. Embrace your change. You can’t get through this shitshow without it. Now, I’m a LITERAL GOD. If you think I need to change, you’re on Ketamine.

Stay Evil