Let’s Cancel Thanksgiving…Together

Hi, my name is Nicholas Fields, and I hate Thanksgiving. This may be a surprise coming from a 280lbs brick shithouse with a bench press higher than your credit score. It just doesn’t make sense to me at the big age of old as hell. Seeing as this is a food blog and not a “investigating the oppression and genocide of indigenous Americans through the use of biological terror that definitely happened the people who did it wrote about it” blog, I’m just going to complain about a few random things.

“But Supreme Lord of Untold Evils, it’s such a comforting hoiday.” – you probably (with a funny look on your face”

*Word I can’t use, because my mom reads this blog*, where? Maybe it’s because I’ve spent a majority of my Thanksgivings as an adult in Taco Bell parking lots and hotel rooms (don’t ask), but it is not worth getting on a metal bird going mach-jesus.

Take a little trip with me. The year is 2017. It’s your first holiday with a partner’s family. You’re the only person of color within a 90-mile radius, and their mom hasn’t seen salt since Lincoln signed the Proclamation. What are you going to do? Run? You don’t know where you are. You’d die alone in the woods, crying before you made it to the airport. Hope you like bad food and years of family drama. That’s not comfortable.

Stop making turkey. There is not a SINGLE species of bird humans can’t eat, and we picked the one no one knows how to cook properly? That’s a species defect on our part. I have cooked a whole one once, and it felt like indentured servitude. The turkey is a bland, oversized, funny built terror.

My last thought comes from a very personal place… It’s ok to leave as soon as you’re done eating. Are you sick of these people? You can boogie. Don’t feel bad, you’ll see their strange faces again. Chances are you’ll never escape them truly. I’m a big proponent of silent exits in any situation.

I hope you found this validating in some way. If you didn’t, that’s ok. I still get the view. If I’m honest, I’m tired of cleaning my kitchen 4 times a week, so this is the post ya get today.

Stay Evil